Here's a little bit of a my background for those of you who may read my blogs and don't know me. I am the oldest of five children (4 girls and 1 boy).
I grew up in a God fearing, Bible believing, church going, "Christ" living family. The reason I don't just say "Christian" family is because the true meaning of being "Christian" has been lost along the way and most people have a negative view of the word. I'll delve more into what I think about all that in a later post. How be it, whatever you may think of Christianity, I was trully blessed to grow up in such a family and it was truly a glorious foundation to be built upon. I attended both private schools and a public school during my schooling. I graduated high school from a private school that was so small that I graduated with only one other girl. It was a Christian school that was part of the church my family had attended for longer than I can remember. I am still close with all my friends from that church and school. Did I miss out on prom and other dances, football games and other such extra curricular activities going to such a small school? Yes, of course I did. Was I upset that I missed out on those things? I was for a time. But since having a family of my own, I see how insignificant that stuff really was and how absolutely significant the things I did receive, from attending such a small Christian school, really is. I was confident in relationships with people - my family, my friends, with myself and God. That's more than I can say for a whole lot of people I have known coming out of the public school system. My husband even says to me all the time, "most girls do", and I have to constantly remind him that I'm not "most girls" and that I didn't grow up in the kind of enviroment "most girls" grew up in.
I am married with one child, my Angel Boy --Samuel. I love him more than I can ever say. It is true that you don't know what "unconditional love" is until you have a child. It absolutely blows my mind and I can't tell you how often I struggle with knowing how far I fall short of having unconditional love for my husband and others in my life as well. Sam has shown me from the day he was born what true unconditional love really is. He is energetic, thoughtful, silly, fun natured, easy going, and smart as a whip. Through his eyes I've seen a whole new way (or maybe its not really new its just rediscovering how it used to be) to look at life and people and circumstances. He is the best kid, such a kind heart, I pray every day he stays just as he is.
I love my husband and my son very much and I love my family and my friends. I am in love with God -- with everything that is in me. However, my heart aches for another child. God hasn't blessed me with one yet, but I continue to have faith that the desires of my heart will be granted. I ache for my son because he doesn't know the joy of having a sibling and may never know. I ache for my husband because he doesn't know what its like to have a daughter and that it would change his life for the better. I ache for his parents because they have always desired a daughter and now desire a granddaughter. They say I am their daughter, and I know that I am God's way of giving that to them, but I still want to give that to them (but it's not really mine to give, is it). That is my ultimate desire, to one day have a daughter.
I pray everyday for the safety and blessings of my family and yet I still struggle with "are my prayers good enough, is God really listening to me, am I good enough to pray, are my words eloquent enough, do I even have the right to ask. But you know what God's been showing me lately? That His answer to all of those is "YES" and that I just need to have faith. That's what I'm learning right now, what is Faith, really? So if anyone has anything they can tell me about Faith . . . I'm all ears.
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